Guest Column: Pope Leo, Bounty Hunter

A blistering message from His Holiness

Bess Kalb

Apr 13, 2026

Greetings and blessings upon you, brothers, sisters, haters and losers. I write today to tell you I have taken recent presidential feedback, and there’s a new Pontiff in town. So say goodbye to Mr. Nice Pope and prepare to meet a vicar of Christ who kicks some fucking (Hail Mary x 4) ass (Hail Mary x 2).

That’s right: From here on out, the dress is off and so are the gloves, because it’s Pope Leo, Bounty Hunter.

So what’s the plan now that I’ve taken Donald Trump’s critique to heart and am solely dedicated to fighting crime and cheering war? First order of business is all the cardinals will be trained in mixed martial arts and pumped full of so much of RFK’s creatine/peptide injections you can see their neck veins from space.

Also all the communion wafers are Big Macs now.

You might have some questions as this could strike you as antithetical to Christian doctrine and my own past statements including last week’s Easter address in which I advocated for global leaders to choose peace.

First of all: Shut up. And second of all: The Bible was written by pussies (Hail Mary x 3).

From here on out, my time in Papal office will be spent doing awesome stuff, like shooting a gun out of the Vatican turret at anyone who seems like an immigrant. Also I think there should be more gold on the walls of my chambers. Also instead of zucchetto all the lesser cardinals have to wear MAGA hats.

Also I’m getting a Slovenian wife. Of Czech. Whoever can get her papers in order fastest.

But let’s not get sidetracked by all the awesome shit (Hail Mary x 5) I’m going to do. The most important thing is that I am tough on crime. Not crimes like sexual assault in the state of New York or mounting an insurrection or election interference, but crimes like being the wrong color in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because it was Jesus who said: “Come [at] me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you [a concussion].”

I want to end by thanking Donald Trump directly for inspiring me with your sound critique. And, sir, I’d like to let you know that I have spoken with the Lord, and he thinks the AI image you posted of yourself as Jesus was “awesome.” And, Mr. President, though God is sad He will never meet you, He asks that you give His regards to Satan when you meet him in two years, one month, and six days.

Peace War be with you,

Pope Leo the Redpilled