The Grudge Report

Some things I said while drafting my will

A series of on-the-record pronouncements

Bess Kalb
Apr 08, 2026

As a parent of two small children I understand it is very important to have a will in place. As a mortality-avoidant coward who also shuts down at the mere suggestion of paperwork, it is impossible for me to have a meeting about a will.

But I married a practical person, and so I recently suppressed everything about myself and met with a lawyer and did what responsible people do.

The following list is from the notes from the meeting during which I, a comedy writer born to deflect, was faced with a series of tragic hypotheticals:

• Never pull the plug. Keep me hooked up to machines like a Saudi prince. They’ll find a cure.
• Ok. If I die first and he remarries someone the trustee deems skinnier than me, he gets nothing.