I Can’t Stop Thinking About Armie Hammer’s Made-Up Jamaican Friend

:)

Jun 19, 2026

Happy Juneteenth 🫂 A few years ago, I worked with Apple TV to curate a collection of movies and TV shows that I felt reflected the black experience best (South Side, Yaphet Kotto and Richard Pryor in Blue Collar, the best Atlanta Housewives reunion) to honor this holiday. You can find the collection on the Apple TV app here!

I was going to take today off to observe the holiday but sometimes I just have to get something off my chest…

Armie Hammer is seen on July 18, 2022 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo: MEGA/GC Images)

A lot has happened to Armie Hammer since he wasn’t nominated for the Oscar he thought he’d win. None of those things have been “employment,” and nearly all have been bad. There were the allegations of sexual misconduct that now exist in the public’s pop culture memory as “Did you see the texts where Armie Hammer said he’s into cannibalism?”

Hammer is on a redemption tour that coincides with Call Me By Your Name getting a theatrical re-release and the trailer drop for The Social Network sequel. It is, in theory, a good time to remember how good he was at being tall and white and deep-voiced and handsome. His best movies are Call Me By Your Name, The Social Network, and Sorry To Bother You (what better way to ring in the release of I Love Boosters!). After a few years of allegedly driving under the influence, completing rehab, and finally laying low and talking about being broke, he has sat for the Serious, Sobering Magazine Profile That Will Make Everything Fine Again with The Hollywood Reporter.

Hammer hits all the familiar beats of this type of story: he’s regretful but not resentful. He’s devoted his life to a smaller, more frugal life, and spends a lot of time with his kids. “His WME agents dropped him; his publicist was gone. He is now represented by a single entertainment attorney whose primary job is contracts,” THR reports, even though Hammer notes earlier in the story that he called his publicist on the drive to the interview and said that this was a celebrity Sacrament of Reconciliation that he wanted to sit for.

And then he tells a story.