How To Be Trad When The Finances Are Tight

Manners and Morals #11

Jun 09, 2026

Manners and Morals is a series for readers of Polite Company. If you have a pressing concern or curiosity about some interpersonal or theoretical drama, feel free to email me at keturahskorner(at)gmail(dot)com. Your question will remain anonymous!

Hi Keturah,

I have a question for manners and morals! Thank you!

I’m a mother of two and bring in an income that’s pretty good having almost twenty years experience in my field as a licensed professional. My husband does the care work of homeschooling and caring for our boys (seven and three) and the household chores during the day.

I hate this set up.

My job is bearable but I don’t love it nor care a whit about professional recognition and it’s super stressful. Financially it made no sense to keep my husband working the minimum wage job he held previously. We are very thrifty with house and car (one used car, small house, dodgy area) so with just my income we can afford extras like music lessons and sports for our kids and high-quality, whole foods, and occasional out-of-pocket naturopath doctors; the homeschool programs we attend are paid for by the school district.

I see my kids at their worst time of day (when I get home late and they’re getting ready for bed). My husband gets to spend all day with them.

Do I just suck it up and understand as an adult that I need to do what it takes (work 50-hour weeks in an office) to take care of my kids even if that means not getting to do the hands-on care work I want to do and would be really good at? Do I risk my family’s stability leaving this job and taking on freelance (which would entail complicated set-up, stressful and not-lucrative in my field) to supplement the much lower income my husband could make? Is giving up kid’s music lessons, sports and high-quality, whole, organic food so I can be the primary caregiver a selfish act and a disservice to my kids when they already have a full-time stay-at-home-parent?

Dear Reader,

I asked my husband the other day if he would consider our relationship to be “egalitarian”. We both agreed we are not. Yes, we both respect the other’s domains. He doesn’t tell me what to do in the day-to-day matters and trusts my judgment when it comes to the baby, meals, etc. I dress modestly, but he’s not the one telling me what modesty means (sometimes I ask for his thoughts on a garment I feel uncertain about). Neither of us are looking to “control” the other one. I submit to my husband, but not in the way a child does with their father. He’s not barking orders at me nor am I subservient to him.

We are both very hands off and aren’t in the habit of making demands from each other, so by all appearances many would assume that we are egalitarian, or complementary at most.

However egalitarianism assumes that roles of mothers and fathers are somehow interchangeable. While there may be preferred ways of splitting tasks, at the end of the day it’s all personal choice and there will be no negative outcomes if you decide to change things up.

I reject the idea that parenting is a genderless construct or that mothers and fathers are basically the same. Sure, in an emergency a father can give a child their bottle and a mother can be the provider, but messing with the natural order of things often ends disastrously, and in my opinion, may result in children suffering gender dysphoria or struggle to have healthy marriages.

That being said, we in the modern era are so disconnected from the natural order of things that it can be difficult to know what an authentic traditional life ought to look like without LARPing. If you’re looking for a resource on this topic, I highly recommend Ivan Illich’s essays on “Gender”.

However, I will share a few opinions of my own. Do with them as you will.

Ideally, a child should have both mother and father at home, preferably in that order. Consumerism and capitalism do not build healthy families. If possible, avoid anything that forces either parent to pursue manna over virtue.

Many of the things you list are good things. But you seem to instinctively realize that the pursuit of these good things is destructing from the home life. Your children need you more than they need healthy food or music lessons. Furthermore, your workload isn’t increasing your personal joy.

There are several things I might do if I were in your shoes:

Sign up for SNAP or WIC. The government does very little good, but supporting large families by providing healthy food is a thing to be applauded. There is no shame in accepting these benefits if it allows your family to remain a whole unit.
Connect with your local Amish. They often have ways of accessing food and herbs for a fraction of the normal prices.
Transition to part-time freelance work so you have a little extra for the naturopath. My mother also used to bake pies or other baked goods for our naturopath, and she was willing to trade although the trade was not completely “fair”.
Encourage the children to cultivate hobbies that might earn them a little income so they can pay for their own music lessons and sports clothes. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a child finding a way to pay for the things they value. When I was a teenager, I used to bake for a farmer’s market. I traded baked goods for sketching lessons. The money I earned was used for art supplies. I found much meaning in being able to pay for my own lessons and supplies.

I hope this illustrates that one can be both a good mother and find ways to provide the extras one feels her children might need or want. You might have to stretch the imagination a little, but it seems you and your family are already well suited to thriftiness and pitching in together. That skill will help your family more than anything.