i’m the girl after THE gf or before THE gf.

never theee GF.

Let me explain. This isn’t even coming from a place of not knowing my worth.

Being an only child made me very conscious. I know when I’m not welcomed or actually appreciated. I’m used to being alone. I’ve never had the feeling of loneliness. I’m always alone and I mean always. I have friends and everything but I’m always alone.

Whenever I start speaking to a man romantically, I always have a feeling that it won’t end well. It never does.

I mean never.

I’m easy to have a conversation with. I can keep conversations. Let me just say I’m a yapper. My friends know that if we run out of conversations I can always say something.

This made me realise that this is how me and a man I like or I’m into last or actually get into a relationship. They always think I’m cool enough to have a thing with.

Basically:

I was having a conversation with my male friend the other day. He was telling me about his girl. How he has fell for her and is afraid of what might happen between them. He was telling me how in love he is with her. The girl also told me the same thing about him. I reassured them both that it’ll rarely happen for them to separate because they both crave for a love that lasts.

Then it hit me that, it’s never me. Like it never is. I always meet people who already had their first love, aren’t over their first love or yet to find the actual person they love.

Whenever I speak to a man romantically, I just know they are yet to find theee GIRLFRIEND or they are still in love with their favourite ex who was THEEE girlfriend.

Being THEE girlfriend doesn’t mean you’re the one he posts the most or the one he’s been with for the longest time. It means being the one who he ACTUALLY loves. And I mean LOVES.

Loves as in he’s willing to drop anything and be with that girl.

You can be the most gorgeous woman ever, he’ll still choose who he loves nkos yam.

Moving on to the point

I always knew I’m the girl who comes into a guy’s life to show them that there is love out here. That there is loyalty and being loved unconditionally.

Without money.

Without gifts.

Literally just by being yourself.

I never expect anyone I talk to, romantically to change themselves for me or to act a certain way around me. I expect you to be yourself.

I always know my place in someone’s life.

Always.

I know when a guy is still in love with their ex or they don’t plan on being in my life forever.

It’s either they mention the ex a lot or the ex’s name just keeps on popping up.

And the mentioning of future plans by using “when I” instead “We when”

I just know my job here is done or my contract is coming to an end.

I always knew I’m never the one that if they were asked a question about me, they’d answer without hesitation.

They have to think about it first or they stutter while they speaking because they are forced to answer or making up something that’s not true.

I used to cry about it. It got to the point I’d cry to my close people about it.

Then one day I stopped talking about it.

I accepted it.

When you love someone, a nice thing to say is always at the tip of your tongue. You speak about them highly. You choose them.

There’s never options to choose from. It’s only that person.

But with me, it’s always that in that particular person’s life there’s me and 2 other people. Or even 1.

They choose that one by the way.

They always choose that person. Even if the person treated them badly and I treated them with respect and love.

Sometimes I’d think it’s embarrassing to be with me.

I still do but oh well, it’s okay. You can’t force anyone to feel you for deeply or force them to see how much you care about them.

Being the girl they never yearn for or never choose over anything else without hesitation was never easy for to accept. I’d wish that everytime I speak to someone romantically and it doesn’t work out, I wish the next one treats me good and chooses me.

It actually does happen that they choose me.

Till their ex comes back.

Till they find someone else to pursue.

Then they find their actual partner.

The one they stay loyal to.

The one that they actually love.

And finally the one they choose.

I never want to compete with another girl over a guy. Oh how I never want to be settled for.

If a guy I like, loves someone else. I expect them to be honest with me. Even though it will hurt me but at least you were honest enough to let me know.

I never want to be the barrier between two people who are soulmates.

If your ex is your soulmate, go back.

If you want someone other than me, go to them.

Accepting this type of thing made me redirect my mind towards other things.

I don’t wish to be loved anymore.

I don’t wish for relationships that last.

I don’t wish to be taken seriously.

It never happens that I am taken seriously anyways.

I once saw a post about how some of us, our purpose was not to be loved but show love to people.

I agree. I’m proof.

I’m not implying that I don’t deserve love, oh no that’s not what I’m saying. Love does exist to me. I know it does.

I know love exists. I know it does.

I know love exists because how I love.

Unconditionally without hesitation.

Not love in a romantic way.

But love in a platonic way. I’ve only felt loved and appreciated in my friendships.

I don’t wish I become the GIRLFRIEND.

I accepted my fate.

If I was monied, tsa marato nne never dang pona.

In conclusion:

I wish to be this woman. No kids, No husband. Her and her riches.

I’m not anyone’s first choice or first love. It’s okay. We can’t all get what we want.